I think I must have spent a considerable part of my twenties convinced that what I wanted was a stable, strong relationship that at the same time allowed individual freedom. The relationship would be labelled as marriage but it did not have the traditional trappings of marriage. We would move around and travel, sometimes separately, pursue our goals, yet somehow always grow in the same direction. I remember finding living on my own very trying at times. I remember enjoying the time alone and being grateful for it, but I always had a nagging feeling that I wasn’t complete. That I should be married by now, that I should be a at a different stage, that that next stage should at least be a visible from here. The more hazy my future was relationship-wise, the more convinced I became that I was missing something.
What do I think about myself having such thoughts when I should have been out having fun? They were a total waste of time. I cannot imagine what kind of ideas, pressures, implicit or explicit made me think I needed a fiance to be complete. I just wish I hadn’t thought such thoughts and instead of chasing what I didn’t have, I should have really enjoyed what I did have. Isn’t that our most common mistake in any aspect of our life, to think that the grass is greener on the other side. If I could go back to myself at practically any stage in life and say one thing to myself, it would be ‘lighten up, your life is great’.
Now on the other side of the relationship spectrum, I am again thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. I zealously enjoy partying with friends and flirting with guys (old habits die hard). I want to live alone and independently in a big city and be courted by different gentlemen rather than be married. I want the excitement of thinking that something could happen with any new guy around the corner. I cannot remember why I wanted to be in a relationship. I do not feel lonely or any particular need to have heart-to-heart talks. I think I have fallen on my head.