I think I must have spent a considerable part of my twenties convinced that what I wanted was a stable, strong relationship that at the same time allowed individual freedom. The relationship would be labelled as marriage but it did not have the traditional trappings of marriage. We would move around and travel, sometimes separately, pursue our goals, yet somehow always grow in the same direction. I remember finding living on my own very trying at times. I remember enjoying the time alone and being grateful for it, but I always had a nagging feeling that I wasn’t complete. That I should be married by now, that I should be a at a different stage, that that next stage should at least be a visible from here. The more hazy my future was relationship-wise, the more convinced I became that I was missing something.

What do I think about myself having such thoughts when I should have been out having fun? They were a total waste of time. I cannot imagine what kind of ideas, pressures, implicit or explicit made me think I needed a fiance to be complete. I just wish I hadn’t thought such thoughts and instead of chasing what I didn’t have, I should have really enjoyed what I did have. Isn’t that our most common mistake in any aspect of our life, to think that the grass is greener on the other side. If I could go back to myself at practically any stage in life and say one thing to myself, it would be ‘lighten up, your life is great’.

Now on the other side of the relationship spectrum, I am again thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. I zealously enjoy partying with friends and flirting with guys (old habits die hard). I want to live alone and independently in a big city and be courted by different gentlemen rather than be married. I want the excitement of thinking that something could happen with any new guy around the corner. I cannot remember why I wanted to be in a relationship. I do not feel lonely or any particular need to have heart-to-heart talks. I think I have fallen on my head.


5 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. Your first paragraph is me right now. It’s so accurate, I could have written it. Which is somewhat creepy. But the rest of it makes me think, will the other two be me a few years from now? I think it’s so natural though, to want what you don’t have and miss what you had. But knowing it’s natural doesn’t make the wanting or the longing any easier though. But as I said, you a few years ago, is me right now. And as much as I try to enjoy living alone, being independent, being completely in control of my own life (in theory, atleast) the emptiness just won’t let me. Sad isn’t it?

    • sharbet says:

      Lol, it wasn’t a few years ago babe, I could tell you that the turn-around has been so fast, it has been about 4 months! Barely 6 months ago, I was still mounrning losing the latest prince charming and moping about my foiled plans of marrying him! I think going steady takes more guts than I’d realised and when you have it you also wonder why in the world you wanted it in the first place. When the whirlwind excitement of a relationship dies down and you think you’re never going to have that beginning excitment again. Damn, this is becoming another post! When people told me to enjoy my singlehood I used to have the exact same reaction as you. But at 26 now the biggest lesson I seem to have learnt is to just take it easy and to not worry about the future.

  2. Sameer says:

    Tooba please don’t talk like that. you were always a good muslim girl and you shall remain one. please tell me what can i do to alleviate this. after all i am a proud owner of an electronic/vacuum cleaner shop and am more than equipped to suck this haze surrounding ur drop dead gorgeous aura…

  3. grass always appears greener on the other side. and i have never meant this statement more seriously than at this minute. promise.

    • sharbet says:

      Thanks and you’re right. I think I’m coming out of that thinking now. I think that it’s a myth that when you meet the ‘one’ you are certain of it. It takes more courage than I realised to commit to someone.

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