Today, as I was changing from the Northern line to the Central line at Bank station (a change that used to be part of my regular routine during third year at uni) I overheard a girl remark to her friend, “Quelle vie! … Mon Dieu”. When we got to climbing the steps up towards the platforms, she remarked, “Putain! Qu’est-ce qu’on se fait chier là.” It made me wonder whether she was maybe from my city which where life is so much simpler than London. I used to feel that way about London once too. That this was no way to live a life. Spending hours travelling like sheep. The route to my uncle’s in East London seemed interminable. I guess I was an entirely different person back then. This time around the distances seem to be covered faster. Ofcourse it helps that I always keep a good book. Also, the loneliness does not engulf me. I don’t need to flit from place to place looking for a place to feel at peace. I feel secure and am not in a tense rush to get to places and see people. I don’t wear high heels making the inevitable travel by foot comfortable and I layer on so that the wind doesn’t seem detestable. I guess it’s part of getting older and gaining some common sense now. I can’t relate to her at all. In fact, on se fait chier pas du tout, du tout. Au contraire, on se sent très bien installé.
On the other hand, it’s hard dealing with the inertia that gets to me even when I thought I was prepared to tackle it. It’s hard not planning for something, not having fixed points in my year or even my day that I must get up for. It’s hard to leave it all up to imagination and let that drive me to make something of myself. Ofcourse imagination just goes on and on and does not settle on one scenario. There are so many ways things could happen, which one will it be? Where will I live, what will I do? I don’t even know where I will be in a month’s time. I am just praying that doors open soon and answer these questions. But for the moment, I can’t see it happening. And trying and pushing in the dark is hard. It’s like I don’t even know if there is a door in the first place. Mais quelle vie, seriously and what a way to live a life.