Yes this is that kind of post when I relate how I just don’t know how to express myself or relate to certain people. While a part of me keeps on thinking of their good qualities and looking for excuses for them, another part of me just starts to resent them. I am rather blunt and wish I could talk to people honestly about how I feel, but generally that is considered too mean so I don’t say anything. I am left wondering how to strike a balance.
I don’t think it helps that I am not a good reader of people. I have a friend who comes off as very secure, confident, loving and giving. Great qualities that I admire and I have stayed friends with her because of the trust I put in her, despite the fact that we can find it pretty hard to relate to each other and we have very different styles of communicating. It is only after all these years of knowing her, that I have faced up to the fact that she is incedibly insecure. She is most certainly capable of doing damage behing my back. But now I know to still love her for the good times and not expect perfection from her. I actually hold myself accountable for being so insecure at one point that I had to seek out a friend who seemed so absolutely trustworthy. She was trustworthy at the point in my life when i needed her to be and that’s what counts.
Then there was the friend who annoyed me so much that I had to break it off with her. Again my fault for sticking with her and making excuses for her, all the time I was getting so angry at her and so frustrated that she would never understand. Instead of pulling out early, I kept telling myself that she was a nice person at heart. So the lesson there (as another good friend pointed out) is that even if the person who keeps on hurting you is really nice at heart and doesn’t understad it, there is something wrong with the relationship and you don’t have to stand for it. She is someone I have never looked back on funnily enough, not even missed her a little bit.
Then there was the annoying colleague who, although not necessarily a good friend, certainly provided company in a lonely office. She had a lot to say and I ended up listening a lot. Again my fault for getting drawn into listening to office gossip, what good can possibly come of that? I got so tired of her criticising the people, their work ethics, their organisation and blaming it on their nationality, that I started resenting her for it. She was totally oblivious to her own role in the organisation that contributed to the same problems she would complain about. It’s funny how we don’t see ourselves as worthy of the same criticism and think we are above it all. And yes, if you are thinking that I am somebody’s annoying friend too then I probably am. Mainly though, I am the person who blames herself for not saying what was on my mind then. But I guess it was too hard to do that, possibly not appropriate and possibly it would have amounted to no good. Although, now I do try to remind myself to at least express what I take offense at. I didn’t have to criticize her but I could have said that I did not wish to hear about certain things because I find them offensive. I felt she didn’t understand where I came from or appreciated it, so I would rather not hear about it, even if it wasn’t directed at me.
Now I have the good friend who thinks she is there for me at this time when she is really not. She is excited about the wedding and talks about all the work she has to do when she isn’t in charge of anything special as she would probably not do it. She backed out of the dance she was supposed to do on her own claiming no time, when she knows how important that was to me. I know it’s not time, it’s effort. I know what she has been up to the last few weeks as she has told me herself. She decided to disappear into one of her ‘problems’ and cut off communication with me for awhile so I was left dealing with quite a few things alone. It was a double whammy because I felt her distance and was also hurt at why she chose to keep me out of the loop about her life. I was thinking of all the things we have gone through and how much we know about each other and just felt sad that I wasn’t being included anymore. Instead of talking to her about it, I decided to leave it alone, not wanting to put more pressure on her in addition to whatever else she was going through. I mean who wants to deal with demanding friends when you are going through ‘problems’, whatever they are? Since she hasn’t come through on the things she initially promised for the wedding, instead of calling her on it, I have just made contingency plans for the last thing she is in charge of. If she runs out of ‘time’ for that too, I know where to go. It’s not that though, I wanted my friend here with me just for the fun of it. She missed out on the whole run-up to the wedding. Let’s see what she does on the last week before the wedding. It’s sad but I have just given up on her and sometimes I wonder if I should be like that. Should I go ahead and make an effort for our friendship by asking what it is and trying to fix it? Or will it just make things worse at this sensitive point in our lives? One thing is for sure, I am the most easy-going bride ever.