Memories mar my mind, love is a fate resigned

This letter is long overdue. But I don’t write directly to you for a number of reasons. The main seems to your anger that is in a constant ebb and flow underneath the surface. The one that erupted when I mentioned that maybe you were irritated. The one that causes you to make snarky comments and think that they will be taken well. The one that fuels your jealousy and your insecurity. You never offerred me the same honesty in expression that you did yourself. You more than made up for the lack of emotion I showed. It’s easy to blame me but I say it’s all you.

You lied and you talked behind my back and then you made me feel like you didn’t want me around. When I left, you came back crying wondering why I’d left. I often felt insulted or slighted, unsure of what you wanted from me. Give it another try? Sure, let’s see. But your arms aren’t as open as they were before. I never relied on you for anything after that, never trusted you in anyway. You may flatter yourself that I used you but I only threw you scraps of my life to make you feel like you were still needed and included, lest you get upset again. I never needed what you gave and often real friends had to undo the harm your ‘kindness’ did. Like the time we met at Globus in Geneva so I could update you on wedding news and you told me I had seasonal depression.  When I doubted myself my friends reassured me that I really did not have those symptoms.

Mostly, I grinned and bore it. And you wonder why I feel uncomfortable around you? It’s because you have all the reliability of a snake and the melodrama of a coked up pop princess. Kind of like Amy Winehouse except she was awesome and had talent.

Maybe I don’t tell you this directly out of kindness because the truth hurts and you already seem so raw. Or maybe we are matching in our hurt except that you shout your pain from the rooftops and I lick my wounds in silence.

Whatever it was, it’s over. I cannot be treated like that anymore and you are no longer coming into my life. Don’t try anymore, not in a few years, not ever. I don’t want you to come back crying. Don’t look at me if we’re in the same gathering, don’t say hello. Don’t invite me to your wedding. Don’t look at my profile on linkedin, don’t google me. Don’t keep tabs on my family, my career, my pictures, my friends, my happiness or sadness.

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