All I know

This is all I know. All I can handle to know right now. All that hurts and doesn’t hurt, all that’s raw and ripe to say. I am lost. Often. Last year I couldn’t believe I was back in school. I was lost with this new identity even though I threw myself in it completely. It occupied my thoughts and days and  I wondered what it was that used to occupy my thoughts and days. I couldn’t find that girl anymore.

Now I am lost that my plans didn’t go accordingly. I was so close. After getting the grades, I thought I was a shoo-in. My heart comes into my mouth, I have no idea. No clue how what I wanted slipped so perfectly from between my fingers. Over the course of 3 weeks of interviewing it was gone. Doors closed.

All I knew was desire and wanting. Wanting what I almost had and what I never had. Entwined with wanting a baby, a cat, a job, all the things that could maybe lead to belonging. Still feeling lost and not belonging. Anywhere. Not here and not in my skin.