I like you

This is what I jotted down on my phone while I was on the train a few days ago:

“Sometimes I’m afraid nothing will feel as good as this fucking place. That nothing will be as classy, so full, and completely filling and fulling and fulfilling. That nothing will look as cool as a giant yellow cookie in the shape of a NY taxi.”

Sometimes life feels so raw and tender and good I want to bite it. Just like a crush who wooed me for months and joked that he wanted to bite me.

Yesterday when I was worn and aching and rubbing my head in a meeting that I also happened to be leading, feeling overworked and underpaid, I looked out the window onto the Manhattan skyline and couldn’t believe it. I was sitting on the 25th floor of THE non-profit institution leading a meeting. At times like these, I don’t even know how I got here. I sometimes take a minute from work when walking around to look out the giant windows to the street below. I see yellow cabs and people crossing the street and the Chrysler building and I try to breathe it all in as if the window were open. When working late, I have gone to the window to see the view at night; what is it about city lights?

This summer can just be a giant apple and I will be eating it. Get it? 😉

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Walk with me

Why is suffering a part of making decisions and which part of me suffers? I can feel it today, the pain and pleasure cutting through me viscerally. The sun and the spring waking me, I walked the two blocks to my favourite bagel store today. A walk I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do just two months ago and today I made it without a problem. When I walked out, the familiar feeling of being on my feet with somewhere nice to go was so raw and familiar, like an old friend. What is freedom if I can’t run away? What if I don’t live and risk my own dreams?

What of marriage and being one? One goal, one vision, two partners trying to convince each other of the paths to take. So painful to compromise, I had never been one for sacrifices and it turned out I was already making them as soon as I wed without even realizing it. How I had wanted to strike out on my own – I will accept my own selfishness. It has always been about me. It took me three years to fully feel committed to this boy who did the most and the toughest things for me. We proved ourselves to each other over and over again in our triumphs and failures, making our own story. Three years to believe that our lives always better be entwined this way and I will do my best to make that happen. Yet admittedly I duck out from time to time to yearn for myself. What did I want? Am I okay?

We can’t stay suspended here in this spring. Can I carry you with me?

Songs dedicated to somebody else

https://soundcloud.com/talul/follow-the-sun-talul-edit

I don’t have the tools and language to explain what this music is and how it is. I just know how to feel it. A song dedicated to somebody else and I knew it would be good. It was okay but it led me to something better.

I love my life right now. I know I know it’s still so precarious. It’s on the tip. Of falling over. Who knows winter may come and my delusions will be blown away. But right now it’s summer, it’s humid and the AC is cold and the so are the cupcakes in the fridge. And I can come home too tired to shower and wash my scruffy hair even though tomorrow I have to be presentable again. I have to crank out one more day, one after another, to get towards that change. But it feels so close and as long as the tip doesn’t plateau it’s okay.

I can just lie here and listen to this.

Into your heart I’ll beat again

Have I posted this song before? Dedicated to me by a past boyfriend, I now dedicate it to an old friend. This song has pretty much stood the test of time. Even now, when I am out and about and hear it on some radio somewhere, I always strain to catch it. This crazy stalker song.

That feeling of being wound up and tense and so so alone was back and as much as I racked my brain I couldn’t find a repere or a defined point. And then I got on skype with my friend whom I haven’t spoken to properly in so long and it was just belonging again. As she opened up and described a rough time, I was right there in that world, a part of her tears and mine. I could see the role I played, the tea I made for her, the comforting hug I gave. I could see the comfort it gave me to be there. Through that skype window I saw it all and felt the touch. I didn’t even get to the point of talking about my disconnect because it didn’t exist anymore. The skype picture brought me home.

Three things

I have three things to share today, and I can’t decide which is the best thing. First of all, I am finally in to One Direction. I guess I like a couple of songs but mostly I like their style. Whilst watching the video below I was mesmerized by their awesome clothes. How does one get the male of the species to actually dress like that? I am loving the mix of the woolen scarves and the tweed and the plaid and the preppy. It’s funny that I think they’re cute. At their age I appreciated boy bands’ music a lot more than their looks. I loved Take That but I really can’t say any one of them is good looking. I didn’t even crush on any of the Backstreet Boys or Leonardo di Caprio who was the star of my school experience.

Secondly, I found the world’s best lookbook online. I know that’s making a big statement but I’ll stick by it. I know there are many style blogs and lookbooks out there but this is simply the best if you are a woman who works and lives in a city with somewhat the temperature of London. The looks feature Pippa Middleton and quite frankly, I was never that in to her and never understood what all the fuss was about. I still don’t. These pictures of her though are the most practical and awesome and wearable celebrity looks I have ever seen. The shoes aren’t impossible and are chosen for someone commuting on a train (which she presumably does), there are usually coats, jackets and blazers involved to guard against the chilly weather, and finally, there’s nothing ridiculous. If I still lived in London, I could probably wear exactly what she is wearing without having to change a thing. It’s a no-brainer.

Finally, I can’t remember third thing I wanted to show you guys originally. :s For now, I am going to with a lookbook of Kate Middleton’s top 100 outfits. I only came across this today and I know that she is a fashion icon and I am so late in realizing this, but I think I can repeat it. Her look is very streamlined and lovely and I really think most people could pull it off. They may not have an occasion to wear these ball gowns though and most of her dresses are for warmer weather. Rightly so because these pictures of her were taken all over the world and she probably does not need a warm coat as she isn’t taking the tube to work like Pippa.

Update: I posted the wrong One Direction video initially. The awesome clothes they’re wearing are in this one.

Je vais et je reviens

Not too long ago, I watched the latest Gainsbourg movie called Gainsbourg – Une Vie Héroique and was surprised to learn that even I recognized some of the iconic melodies of the era. The movie was very not all that easy to understand and crazy artsy and I think my friends may have regretted agreeing to it… but I didn’t. If nothing else, I have enough fodder to bring you my list of super sexy songs of the moment. Without further ado:

Of course we must start with the Mad Men rendition of Zou Bisou Bisou. It’s so funny the way Megan dances with her winged sleeves (I may the only one looking at her sleeves).

Here is the Gillian Hills version.

Here are the Gainsbourg songs. This one is so cute-sexy with the video from the movie. Laetitia Casta is playing Brigitte Bardot. If you can take your eyes off her check out the studio. I love the huge windows looking out over Paris.

And finally this weirdly addictive song with Jane Birkin, just try and get it out of your head.

You’re welcome.

Memories mar my mind, love is a fate resigned

This letter is long overdue. But I don’t write directly to you for a number of reasons. The main seems to your anger that is in a constant ebb and flow underneath the surface. The one that erupted when I mentioned that maybe you were irritated. The one that causes you to make snarky comments and think that they will be taken well. The one that fuels your jealousy and your insecurity. You never offerred me the same honesty in expression that you did yourself. You more than made up for the lack of emotion I showed. It’s easy to blame me but I say it’s all you.

You lied and you talked behind my back and then you made me feel like you didn’t want me around. When I left, you came back crying wondering why I’d left. I often felt insulted or slighted, unsure of what you wanted from me. Give it another try? Sure, let’s see. But your arms aren’t as open as they were before. I never relied on you for anything after that, never trusted you in anyway. You may flatter yourself that I used you but I only threw you scraps of my life to make you feel like you were still needed and included, lest you get upset again. I never needed what you gave and often real friends had to undo the harm your ‘kindness’ did. Like the time we met at Globus in Geneva so I could update you on wedding news and you told me I had seasonal depression.  When I doubted myself my friends reassured me that I really did not have those symptoms.

Mostly, I grinned and bore it. And you wonder why I feel uncomfortable around you? It’s because you have all the reliability of a snake and the melodrama of a coked up pop princess. Kind of like Amy Winehouse except she was awesome and had talent.

Maybe I don’t tell you this directly out of kindness because the truth hurts and you already seem so raw. Or maybe we are matching in our hurt except that you shout your pain from the rooftops and I lick my wounds in silence.

Whatever it was, it’s over. I cannot be treated like that anymore and you are no longer coming into my life. Don’t try anymore, not in a few years, not ever. I don’t want you to come back crying. Don’t look at me if we’re in the same gathering, don’t say hello. Don’t invite me to your wedding. Don’t look at my profile on linkedin, don’t google me. Don’t keep tabs on my family, my career, my pictures, my friends, my happiness or sadness.